Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Eve and a Full Moon

December 31, 2009. There is a full moon and I have weapons. Yet, I am predicting that should I shoot into the air at midnight the US Army will not respect my freedom to religious expression.

Our company motor sergeant told me of a new twist to an old saying. You may be familiar with "It takes 47 muscles to frown but only 11 to smile." Well, he added this twist - "It takes 47 muscles to frown, only 11 to smile, and only 4 to extend your arm and bitch slap someone."

That motto will probably serve me well as I finish this tour in Iraq.

Door to our chapel

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Our Door Sign

I will post a photograph later today of the door sign on my CHU. I cut and pasted the words below and hope that they appear as official in the post as they do on the door.

Temple of the Ecclesiastical Order
The Mormo-Wiccan Faith

Notice –
Serenity is our natural condition. Before you enter, please cleanse your aura.

You are stepping on holy ground. Before you enter, please remove your shoes.

A central tenant of our faith is that all are created in a divine image. Before you enter, please remove your clothing.

Worship Times –
Every Full Moon – 1800-0600hrs
Friday the 13th – 1800-0600hrs

We believe the highest respect should be given to all other religions.
Therefore, we take the day off on anybody else’s holy days too.
All services are BYOB.

Also, this is the CHU for 1LT Sidney Collins
1st Platoon 114th Military Police Company


Before we begin, I totally make this stuff up. Really. There is nothing authentic about it.

Welcome to the introductory post of the Mormo-Wiccan faith. If you are visiting for the first time, welcome. If you are visiting for the second time, it is probably because you lost some brain cells on the first visit and came to get them back. Sorry, but we have a strict policy. Any brain cells left over night become the property of the Mormo-Wiccan Faith, Inc. (Actually, we are not incorporated. The IRS will not allow make-believe religions to incorporate.)

Who are we? Good question. It is actually asked a lot and we are thinking of getting a plaque made that answers that question and posting it up at meetings. Although that would be hard because: #1 there is no "we", it is just me and #2 I make it up as I go along so #3 the real benefit of a make-believe religion is that we can define ourselves any way we want.

How did we start? This is the only real and honest part of any posting ever on this site.

The story of the Mormo-Wiccan faith goes back a long time. All the way to July 2007. My Mississippi National Guard unit was conducting annual training at Camp Shelby. July in MS. In the words of Elaine Benes, "the heat, MY GOD, the heat."

My good hearted platoon sergeant would ask at the end of each day if anyone had any concerns, issues, or questions. Of course, we had a few members that would use the platform to complain. Each day, we would hold up the entire platoon while 2-3 individuals would bring up issues that were entirely irrelevant to the rest of us. He was following the orders of our new commander. She wanted to make certain that morale in the unit was good. So, she implemented a program that was destined to destroy morale.

My friends and coworkers easily recognize that I am a natural born smartass and prankster. As a squad leader, the members of the platoon asked me to speak with the platoon sergeant. He could not stop asking for issues as it was a directive from above. So, it was Friday the 13th. He asked. I raised my hand. I told him that I needed to be off from sundown until the next full moon for religious reasons. I had/have a good friend who is Mormon and we joked about it. My wife worked with a Wiccan chaplain for the Knoxville Police Department. I fused the two beliefs with my redneck background and ta da - Mormo-Wiccanism.

Every Friday the 13th, I get to go out to the woods (Wicca) and have multiple wives (Mormonism) while being drunk as Cooter Brown (Redneck). No one asked another question. They all just stood there grinning. Most of the platoon knew that I was just being a smartass. But a few were taken off-guard and considered it as a real request. Either way, the platoon was dismissed early that day.

My wife is an ordained United Methodist deacon who works in substance abuse prevention. You can see the irony and inspiration.

Let me be very open for a minute. I have respect for anyone's faith. My good friend is a faithful Mormon. I gave him the company and the customers when I left Knoxville. He and I shared jokes about each other's religions all the time. I know even less about the Wiccan beliefs than I do about the Mormon faith. I just grabbed it because there is so much misinformation out that most people seem to know nothing about it but the name. Those two faiths have name recognition but little open, common knowledge. Therein lies the joke. Period. Dot. The end.